It’s that time of the year again. Revolution. No, wait, resolution. That’s it. Time to set new resolutions. Although sometimes I really feel that a revolution would be simpler.
But then again, I’m not sure what I would revolt against. Unless maybe it is setting resolutions.
Shirley says I have room for improvement! Really! I have room for improvement. If that isn’t a bunch of bull, I don’t know what is.
She says my number one resolution can be how I react when the phone rings. You see, I am kind of a morning person. I don’t mind the phone ringing at 5 in the morning. That’s when I am at my best. And then I kind of slide downhill the rest of the day. Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy are late night TV.
So when the phone rings after six, and I am startled, I may utter a profanity. Like a “J….. C……!” And I guess maybe I’ve been doing it a little too long. RJ, our four-year-old grandson, was here the other afternoon. Quietly playing with his toy soldiers and trucks, the phone rang and before anyone could react, he muttered under his breath, “Well, J….. C……”!
Like Grandpa, he doesn’t like to be disturbed.
And then Shirley has the audacity to say I could resolve to cut back on happy hour! Sacrilegious! Cut back on happy hour! I do think it wouldn’t hurt to add an s. Make it happy hours. Since the past year, they have been starting a little early. At least, according to the head of the house. But when we are teetering on the brink of recession, I think it is patriotic to do what little I can to spur the economy on.
Now, she has started hinting that I could spend a little more time thinking of others at Christmas. You know, the gift-giving thing. Because you will never guess in a million years what I got her for Christmas this year! Really! I’ll be like Mitt Romney and bet you ten thousand dollars!
Wait. Wait. You’re not even close. Remember when I gave her that Butt Master thing? Remember when I gave her that Thigh Master thing that Suzanne Sommers advertised. And rather than be grateful for worrying about her health, she wrapped it around my neck! Ungrateful.
Well, this year, I searched deep into my soul for something that she really needed. And the day after Christmas, it dawned on me. Something practical and necessary. Something she could look at every day and think of me. Something round and shiny. Something that every woman would love.
A sink stopper. Ours had kind of rusted away and the sink wouldn’t hold water while she did dishes.
I wish you could have been there to see the tears of joy as she opened her only gift of the year. She was too choked up to talk. In fact, she hasn’t spoken yet!
I think I’m quite a guy. I resolve to keep it up.