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HAT TIPS

Posted 6/05/13 (Wed)

Hello,

Sometimes things are so much more difficult than they appear on TV. I don’t care if you are solving crimes, cleaning the oven, curing a cold, dieting, or anything else.
Take a suicide, for instance. Now, on TV, if you want to commit suicide, it is a relatively simple deal. Grab a hose, put it over your exhaust pipe, in the window, and bam!
Now, I’m not encouraging suicide. It’s the hose part that bothers me. How can this person find a hose that easy in an apartment in a city?
One time, we had a water tank froze up for about three weeks. We poured hot water down it. We put heat lamps under it. We put torches under it. We swore at it. At least, I did. I kicked it (not recommended). Nothing. No water.
Finally,  Shirley suggested we put a hose over the exhaust pipe on the pickup, run it down the surface casing, and let the pickup thaw it while we played poker. That woman is awesome!
You would think, on a ranch with enough supplies to attack a small Muslim nation, you could find a hose. Especially if a suicide guy in a two- room apartment can. No way! The garden hoses were under the snow somewhere. There are no hoses that fit over an exhaust pipe. There are no hoses that fit inside an exhaust pipe.
I finally borrowed one from a neighbor’s sump pump. But if I had been going to commit suicide, I don’t think I would have wanted to bother him.
Oh, well, it’s thawed now.
Read a cute story the other day.
Now, most of you know, I am not a deeply religious guy. Like I said before, I may pray a little if I’m sneaking in on Thursday night. Or if I need a club on the river (that’s poker talk). Or if I’m stepping on a colt that hasn’t been ridden in three months.
Anyway, here’s the story. There was this guy about 50 years old. And was an atheist. He did not believe in God or a life hereafter. And he told his friends that. For years he denied the existence of a greater being.
Then one day, he was out hunting elk in the mountains of western Montana. He had fired some shots, missed and ran out of ammo. On his way back to camp, he stumbled into this grizzly bear.
Now, I guess this was a mother with cubs and he got between them. This old mama bear raised up and took after this poor guy.
He ran faster than he had ever run before. He was taking 10-yard steps, jumping deadfalls, and dodging trees. Every time he glanced back, that old bear was little closer.
Finally, his lungs about to burst, he tripped and fell. “Oh God,” he screamed. “Save me!”
About this time, things came to a standstill and this voice boomed from heaven.
“How is it, my son, that you have denied Me all these years, and now when you are in trouble, you beg for My divine intervention?”
The guy thinks this over, realizes it is quite hypocritical, and thinks of something else. “Well,” he says, “You are right. I am probably beyond redemption. But You could make a Christian out of the bear!”
The Lord thinks this over and agrees. The guy smiles and looks back at the bear.
The bear lets out a low growl, folds his hands, bows his head, and says, “Thank you, Lord, for this food I am about to receive!”

Later,
Dean